I used to take drugs when I stubbed my toe. I would take cold meds every 3 hours when I was sick with the flu. I had a pill for everything. Since getting pregnant, having T, breastfeeding, and raising this precious human being I am no longer the pill addict I once was. So since T has had a cold/double ear infection/eye infection/hives I have struggled with the notion of medication. I hate giving her jarred baby food, how can I justify pumping her full of antibiotics and cortisone cremes?
The first round of antibiotics I agreed with completely. I saw her ears, they sucked! Within a day she was looking and feeling much better and the prescription was only for 5 days. We chose not to use the hydro cortisone on her hives or rashes. We struggled with this but we decided to use really good lotion instead. When getting her ears rechecked, the ped put her on a preventative 20 day dose of amox. due to a build up of fluid in her ears. The only reason I could use to justify this round of drugs was the loss of hearing that was taking place in her ears due to the fluid. But I struggled. As if on cue, she broke out in a full body rash and the ped, once again, said to use the steroid creme to keep her from itching. I hate this. I hate all the drugs going into her system.
So what's a mom to do? I've ransacked every book, website and picked all the brains of my granola friends. I don't want to keep giving her medication that she is obviously reacting to, but I know that she needs it. D has a massive problem with it as well. The only conclusion we came to is that, while T is pure and new, the germs and toxins around her are not. And we need to be able to battle the illnesses of this world, for her sake. It's not a fun call. It's not an easy decision. Thinking I could be hurting her in any way is hard to stomach, but I know it's what we have to do.
On a happier note, T is now using everything as a drum and dancing as she pounds out the beats! Even being sick and having rashes, she still bobs her head, rocks back and fourth and squeals with delight at all things rock 'n' roll!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My letters to T
When I first got pregnant I started a journal to my baby. I wanted it to know that it was incredibly loved and adored. I wanted my baby to know what my pregnancy was like. Things like what I was feeling, my anxiety and my sheer joy. When I found out T was a girl, I was ecstatic. I wrote for at least 5 pages on my sheer excitement of having the honor of raising a girl. I wrote what I felt. I didn't care about spelling, grammar or subject, I just wrote my heart.
I like to go back and read these journals. I can go back to the exact moment I wrote them. I can feel exactly what I felt. Most of them are about love. There is adoration spewing over every page. There are times when I will remember the light that shot through my soul when I first saw her. Or the time she slept on my chest as I watched the first snowfall after she was born. I listened to her soft breaths for hours. It's a good reminder of how far we have come.
My plan for these journals are slowly changing. I now write about what I want her to know. Things like self esteem, how to love herself and the importance of education. I've recently started writing about my fear of letting her down as a mom. I love T so much. More than I ever thought I could love anything. It's so important for her to know that. I hope my letters to her will always be a perfect reminder.
I like to go back and read these journals. I can go back to the exact moment I wrote them. I can feel exactly what I felt. Most of them are about love. There is adoration spewing over every page. There are times when I will remember the light that shot through my soul when I first saw her. Or the time she slept on my chest as I watched the first snowfall after she was born. I listened to her soft breaths for hours. It's a good reminder of how far we have come.
My plan for these journals are slowly changing. I now write about what I want her to know. Things like self esteem, how to love herself and the importance of education. I've recently started writing about my fear of letting her down as a mom. I love T so much. More than I ever thought I could love anything. It's so important for her to know that. I hope my letters to her will always be a perfect reminder.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Being a parent can be so frustrating. It can be so amazing, so beautiful and rewarding. Then there are nights like tonight where I feel like an epic failure.
T has never been on a schedule. Ever. She is an easy going baby. But no matter what we have done, she just hasn't fallen into a schedule. When talking to other moms, I hear a lot of 'she shouldn't sleep with you. You shouldn't breast feed at night. She knows shes in bed with you and that's why she wont sleep.' (she would be awake in a crib. She doesn't know sleeping in bed with us is 'wrong' shes a baby). It's hard because we have tried everything, and nothing has worked.
Tonight, T fell asleep nursing at 8. Unfortunately she woke up at 9. We don't let her cry it out. So we got up with her. Well, D got up with her. I cried. So frustrated with the fact that I have my, well our, first day of work tomorrow at 8 am and the chances of her falling asleep before 2am is highly unlikely. And I'm tired. And D is going to see a movie and I'm just.... sad. Sad because this isn't how I pictured it. I thought I would get her in a routine. I thought she would sleep. I thought she would love a schedule as much as I do. But it just isn't happening.
I know this feeling isn't new to parents. I know I'm not alone. It just feels like it right now. Oh well. Time to suck it up, go play with Tilly and just drink obscene amounts of coffee tomorrow.
T has never been on a schedule. Ever. She is an easy going baby. But no matter what we have done, she just hasn't fallen into a schedule. When talking to other moms, I hear a lot of 'she shouldn't sleep with you. You shouldn't breast feed at night. She knows shes in bed with you and that's why she wont sleep.' (she would be awake in a crib. She doesn't know sleeping in bed with us is 'wrong' shes a baby). It's hard because we have tried everything, and nothing has worked.
Tonight, T fell asleep nursing at 8. Unfortunately she woke up at 9. We don't let her cry it out. So we got up with her. Well, D got up with her. I cried. So frustrated with the fact that I have my, well our, first day of work tomorrow at 8 am and the chances of her falling asleep before 2am is highly unlikely. And I'm tired. And D is going to see a movie and I'm just.... sad. Sad because this isn't how I pictured it. I thought I would get her in a routine. I thought she would sleep. I thought she would love a schedule as much as I do. But it just isn't happening.
I know this feeling isn't new to parents. I know I'm not alone. It just feels like it right now. Oh well. Time to suck it up, go play with Tilly and just drink obscene amounts of coffee tomorrow.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
My head. My gut. The Peds.
When the three most important aspects collide when you're child is sick.....
Head: It's been 4 days now. She doesn't have a fever but we should take her in. Her cough and runny nose is getting worse. Ok apt at 3.
Gut: She is so sick, we should just go to the doc now. Honestly don't even bother calling. Ok the apt. is at 3. We can wait.
Ped: She has a virus. The rash on her foot isn't HFMD, those bumps look more like blisters. Call if she gets worse.
Head: Ok it's only been a day but I know she is getting worse. Her cough is much worse and she has been screaming for an hour. I think we need to call.
Gut: GET HER THE HELL TO THE DOC! She's screaming and you can't get her to calm down, no bath, no nursing, just leave.
Ped: It's 7, we close at 8 bring her in.
Head: We're in the car on the way and she just fell sound asleep. Now I have no idea what to do. D thinks we should go home, she must have needed to sleep. Calling now to say we are going home and will call if she gets worse.
Gut: The ped is going to be pissed. You should just go. She needs a doc. She isn't getting better. At least we know if something has changed she seems really sick.
Ped: (annoyed) We close at 8.
Head: It's 9, Her right leg is full of blisters. This has to be HFMD. Must google all that has to do with hand foot and mouth disease and the symptoms and treatments. Call the doc.
Gut: She is so sick. She can barely breath and these don't look like blisters per say and they are not on her hands and feet. Call the ped. She needs to be seen right away.
Ped: Nurse: The ped won't speak to you because you chose not to come in at 7, there is nothing we can do for HFMD. I'm very sorry but please come in tomorrow if she is not better.
Head: If there is anything wrong with my daughter I will sue you. I will lawyer up faster than a Tiger Woods mistress and get your ass fired.
Gut: I don't have a ped. Now I'm crying. She is so sick. The doc hates me so much she won't even see my sick child. How horrible of a mom am I that screwed up my relationship with my babies doctor when she's sick. This is horrible. I'm humiliated.
Head: Time to find a new Ped. Asking around. I will have a ped by the end of the night.
Gut: We have put up with this for too long. It's time we need find a new doc. One that agrees with our style of parenting, or at least doesn't judge us for it. We need to feel like it's ok to co-sleep, breastfeed, and making our own decisions for our daughter. But it IS their job to treat her when she is honesty very ill. I have been quiet for too long. To not talk to the mother of a sick 9 month old, because you are annoyed is beyond ridiculous. I'll do all the calling, I'll interview every new doctor. But she deserves someone who will talk to her mother at 9pm when she is sick.
Head: 11 moms we know use this clinic. The docs come highly recommended. She doesn't have a fever. We shouldn't take her. I guess her rash is worse.
Gut: This guy better be good. The rash is worse. She is coughing more. I'm terrified. She is so sick. What if he sucks. What if she is really REALLY sick. I shouldn't have screwed up with the last doc. She doesn't have a fever but I know she's sick. D doesn't think we should take her in, but I know we should. I'm glad we are taking her in. She needs to see a doc even though it's only been one day since we say the last doctor, I know somethings up.
New Doc: Double ear infection, eye infection, hives and a virus.
I'm a mom. I have a gut. It's time to listen to it more!
Head: It's been 4 days now. She doesn't have a fever but we should take her in. Her cough and runny nose is getting worse. Ok apt at 3.
Gut: She is so sick, we should just go to the doc now. Honestly don't even bother calling. Ok the apt. is at 3. We can wait.
Ped: She has a virus. The rash on her foot isn't HFMD, those bumps look more like blisters. Call if she gets worse.
Head: Ok it's only been a day but I know she is getting worse. Her cough is much worse and she has been screaming for an hour. I think we need to call.
Gut: GET HER THE HELL TO THE DOC! She's screaming and you can't get her to calm down, no bath, no nursing, just leave.
Ped: It's 7, we close at 8 bring her in.
Head: We're in the car on the way and she just fell sound asleep. Now I have no idea what to do. D thinks we should go home, she must have needed to sleep. Calling now to say we are going home and will call if she gets worse.
Gut: The ped is going to be pissed. You should just go. She needs a doc. She isn't getting better. At least we know if something has changed she seems really sick.
Ped: (annoyed) We close at 8.
Head: It's 9, Her right leg is full of blisters. This has to be HFMD. Must google all that has to do with hand foot and mouth disease and the symptoms and treatments. Call the doc.
Gut: She is so sick. She can barely breath and these don't look like blisters per say and they are not on her hands and feet. Call the ped. She needs to be seen right away.
Ped: Nurse: The ped won't speak to you because you chose not to come in at 7, there is nothing we can do for HFMD. I'm very sorry but please come in tomorrow if she is not better.
Head: If there is anything wrong with my daughter I will sue you. I will lawyer up faster than a Tiger Woods mistress and get your ass fired.
Gut: I don't have a ped. Now I'm crying. She is so sick. The doc hates me so much she won't even see my sick child. How horrible of a mom am I that screwed up my relationship with my babies doctor when she's sick. This is horrible. I'm humiliated.
Head: Time to find a new Ped. Asking around. I will have a ped by the end of the night.
Gut: We have put up with this for too long. It's time we need find a new doc. One that agrees with our style of parenting, or at least doesn't judge us for it. We need to feel like it's ok to co-sleep, breastfeed, and making our own decisions for our daughter. But it IS their job to treat her when she is honesty very ill. I have been quiet for too long. To not talk to the mother of a sick 9 month old, because you are annoyed is beyond ridiculous. I'll do all the calling, I'll interview every new doctor. But she deserves someone who will talk to her mother at 9pm when she is sick.
Head: 11 moms we know use this clinic. The docs come highly recommended. She doesn't have a fever. We shouldn't take her. I guess her rash is worse.
Gut: This guy better be good. The rash is worse. She is coughing more. I'm terrified. She is so sick. What if he sucks. What if she is really REALLY sick. I shouldn't have screwed up with the last doc. She doesn't have a fever but I know she's sick. D doesn't think we should take her in, but I know we should. I'm glad we are taking her in. She needs to see a doc even though it's only been one day since we say the last doctor, I know somethings up.
New Doc: Double ear infection, eye infection, hives and a virus.
I'm a mom. I have a gut. It's time to listen to it more!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I have an addiction....
The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. So here goes....
My name is M and I am sugar addict. If there is chocolate (even the horrible dairy free soy free kind), muffins, cakes, brownies or cookies anywhere near my house, I will eat them. And not just one. I have been known to eat an entire loaf of banana bread in one sitting. When I was pregnant I ate my weight in oreos. I'm not kidding! I love it all. I can make it all, bake it all even on a restricted diet.
This realization came to be when I found 10 ripe bananas in my kitchen. I delighted in the fact that I would be able to make at least 2 loaves of bread, maybe some muffins and some yummy cookies. And then I stopped myself. I thought about the last time I made banana bread and the 2 day migraine that ensued. I had convinced myself that because it was a vegan recipe that it was somehow healthy for me. But even dairy free soy free butter is laden with calories. There might not be eggs but there was a cup of beautifully white sugar! But perhaps my worst offense was the actual act of sticking my head in the bowl to lick it clean.
I have been dairy/soy free for 3 months now, and this change has changed my bodies chemistry. I can tell. I feel better. I cannot handle sugar anymore. My body cannot tolerate it, I get the shakes, I get headaches and I end up feeling horrid. But it has not stopped me from eating it. Until now. I have made the decision to cut it out. Not all of it, but from now on I will be making the choice to not eat it, use it to make me feel better or bake 3 loaves of banana bread with it.
I'm down 30 lbs and this may be one of my last life changes to really be healthy, to really be happy. I'm excited for this sweet change!
My name is M and I am sugar addict. If there is chocolate (even the horrible dairy free soy free kind), muffins, cakes, brownies or cookies anywhere near my house, I will eat them. And not just one. I have been known to eat an entire loaf of banana bread in one sitting. When I was pregnant I ate my weight in oreos. I'm not kidding! I love it all. I can make it all, bake it all even on a restricted diet.
This realization came to be when I found 10 ripe bananas in my kitchen. I delighted in the fact that I would be able to make at least 2 loaves of bread, maybe some muffins and some yummy cookies. And then I stopped myself. I thought about the last time I made banana bread and the 2 day migraine that ensued. I had convinced myself that because it was a vegan recipe that it was somehow healthy for me. But even dairy free soy free butter is laden with calories. There might not be eggs but there was a cup of beautifully white sugar! But perhaps my worst offense was the actual act of sticking my head in the bowl to lick it clean.
I have been dairy/soy free for 3 months now, and this change has changed my bodies chemistry. I can tell. I feel better. I cannot handle sugar anymore. My body cannot tolerate it, I get the shakes, I get headaches and I end up feeling horrid. But it has not stopped me from eating it. Until now. I have made the decision to cut it out. Not all of it, but from now on I will be making the choice to not eat it, use it to make me feel better or bake 3 loaves of banana bread with it.
I'm down 30 lbs and this may be one of my last life changes to really be healthy, to really be happy. I'm excited for this sweet change!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
For the 1st time in 9 months....
I am home alone. And I don't hate it. And as usual.... that makes me feel guilty.
I love T more than anything. As D was leaving I said to him "If anything happens to her, I will never forgive you." Nice wife I know, but its true. I love T so much she is such a spot of sunshine in my life. Even when she's crabby and out of it, I still love her and I'll even manage to get a few hugs in her moodiness.
Lately I have been feeling really overwhelmed. Tired. Sad for no reason. I have moments of bliss but I'm also really run down. I don't know if it's the sun and heat or the stress of a massive upcoming life change, I just can't seem to recharge anymore. And I really believe it's because I am never by myself. Ever. Except now.
It's hard to turn off and not be a mom. It's hard to just type even when the disaster of a kitchen is looking at you. But I know it's whats best for me. Even these 30 minutes while she's gone will help me feel better. Now if only I had some chocolates.... :)I'm reading Chopra right now and the law of pure potentiality has a silence component that I need to learn. How to just be. Be still. Be quiet. Be silent. I am really starting to believe I might never fully master this. But I will try. Try and remember to breathe. Try to be at peace. Try and relax!
Now time to go find some chocolate!
I love T more than anything. As D was leaving I said to him "If anything happens to her, I will never forgive you." Nice wife I know, but its true. I love T so much she is such a spot of sunshine in my life. Even when she's crabby and out of it, I still love her and I'll even manage to get a few hugs in her moodiness.
Lately I have been feeling really overwhelmed. Tired. Sad for no reason. I have moments of bliss but I'm also really run down. I don't know if it's the sun and heat or the stress of a massive upcoming life change, I just can't seem to recharge anymore. And I really believe it's because I am never by myself. Ever. Except now.
It's hard to turn off and not be a mom. It's hard to just type even when the disaster of a kitchen is looking at you. But I know it's whats best for me. Even these 30 minutes while she's gone will help me feel better. Now if only I had some chocolates.... :)I'm reading Chopra right now and the law of pure potentiality has a silence component that I need to learn. How to just be. Be still. Be quiet. Be silent. I am really starting to believe I might never fully master this. But I will try. Try and remember to breathe. Try to be at peace. Try and relax!
Now time to go find some chocolate!
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