I quit caring... and it feels GREAT!

I had a big realization at a playdate today. One of those delayed (due to lack of coffee) reactions that lead to a life changing paradigm shift.

It happened when I saw another mom tell her 16 month old that she wasn't going to nurse her. It hit me that I had already fed T twice in an hour, once because she was hungry and once because she fell (boobs for boo boos!). Then another mom confessed that she was embarrassed that she co-slept with her son during naps. T has slept in a crib twice when she was a week old. Not thinking much of these small events I went about the rest of my day, doing my thing with my baby.

And then it hit me. I parent totally my way. I follow no one else. I go with my gut and my gut only. I have really learned, partly out of necessity, to just quit caring what other people think. I had always felt judged when discussing parenting. We do it differently. In our world we are extreme, weird and wrong. But I always knew we were doing what was best for T. I do, whats right, for my child, my self, my husband, my family. I have learned balance mommy relationships while being oblivious to how other people parent!

I wish all moms could feel this way. These mommy wars can be intense. Being able to turn off the drama (mostly in my head) has made me the mom I have always wanted to be. So maybe instead of trying to get people to see our parenting points, we should just focus on our own lives and just quit caring!

Colds, Drugs, and Rock 'N Roll

I used to take drugs when I stubbed my toe. I would take cold meds every 3 hours when I was sick with the flu. I had a pill for everything. Since getting pregnant, having T, breastfeeding, and raising this precious human being I am no longer the pill addict I once was. So since T has had a cold/double ear infection/eye infection/hives I have struggled with the notion of medication. I hate giving her jarred baby food, how can I justify pumping her full of antibiotics and cortisone cremes?

The first round of antibiotics I agreed with completely. I saw her ears, they sucked! Within a day she was looking and feeling much better and the prescription was only for 5 days. We chose not to use the hydro cortisone on her hives or rashes. We struggled with this but we decided to use really good lotion instead. When getting her ears rechecked, the ped put her on a preventative 20 day dose of amox. due to a build up of fluid in her ears. The only reason I could use to justify this round of drugs was the loss of hearing that was taking place in her ears due to the fluid. But I struggled. As if on cue, she broke out in a full body rash and the ped, once again, said to use the steroid creme to keep her from itching. I hate this. I hate all the drugs going into her system.

So what's a mom to do? I've ransacked every book, website and picked all the brains of my granola friends. I don't want to keep giving her medication that she is obviously reacting to, but I know that she needs it. D has a massive problem with it as well. The only conclusion we came to is that, while T is pure and new, the germs and toxins around her are not. And we need to be able to battle the illnesses of this world, for her sake. It's not a fun call. It's not an easy decision. Thinking I could be hurting her in any way is hard to stomach, but I know it's what we have to do.

On a happier note, T is now using everything as a drum and dancing as she pounds out the beats! Even being sick and having rashes, she still bobs her head, rocks back and fourth and squeals with delight at all things rock 'n' roll!

My letters to T

When I first got pregnant I started a journal to my baby. I wanted it to know that it was incredibly loved and adored. I wanted my baby to know what my pregnancy was like. Things like what I was feeling, my anxiety and my sheer joy. When I found out T was a girl, I was ecstatic. I wrote for at least 5 pages on my sheer excitement of having the honor of raising a girl. I wrote what I felt. I didn't care about spelling, grammar or subject, I just wrote my heart.

I like to go back and read these journals. I can go back to the exact moment I wrote them. I can feel exactly what I felt. Most of them are about love. There is adoration spewing over every page. There are times when I will remember the light that shot through my soul when I first saw her. Or the time she slept on my chest as I watched the first snowfall after she was born. I listened to her soft breaths for hours. It's a good reminder of how far we have come.

My plan for these journals are slowly changing. I now write about what I want her to know. Things like self esteem, how to love herself and the importance of education. I've recently started writing about my fear of letting her down as a mom. I love T so much. More than I ever thought I could love anything. It's so important for her to know that. I hope my letters to her will always be a perfect reminder.